There is a common theme to every college dining hall—there will always be at least one or two crazy employees on staff at all times. This is an unavoidable fact.
My college was an exception to the rule. We didn’t have one or two crazies, we had eleven or twelve. Wackos literally ran the cafeteria. Campus was two blocks away from a halfway house, and for some reason—likely tax breaks—dining services loved putting these nut jobs behind the griddle, salad bar, register, everywhere.
Most people would think that this is a bad thing. I’m here to tell you it is absolutely not. Aside from the occasional flip out and faint smell of Jack Daniels on their breath at 1pm, crazy dining hall workers are good people. ALWAYS BEFRIEND THEM.
Crazies behave as if they have nothing to lose—including their job. And crazy people generally lack friends, so if you’re nice to them and take a few minutes to chat them up, they really appreciate it, meaning that if you happen to want breakfast for dinner, or ten pounds of ice on the weekend, or a box of cereal for finals week, they’ll hook you up. A normal person would never give away his employer’s property; it’s stealing. But a crazy person will.
In my 4 year stint in college, the dining hall wackos I befriended gave me and a select few of my friends the following:
Seriously, I can’t stress this enough, buddying up with the bonkers cafeteria worker is the smartest thing you could ever do.
My college was an exception to the rule. We didn’t have one or two crazies, we had eleven or twelve. Wackos literally ran the cafeteria. Campus was two blocks away from a halfway house, and for some reason—likely tax breaks—dining services loved putting these nut jobs behind the griddle, salad bar, register, everywhere.
Most people would think that this is a bad thing. I’m here to tell you it is absolutely not. Aside from the occasional flip out and faint smell of Jack Daniels on their breath at 1pm, crazy dining hall workers are good people. ALWAYS BEFRIEND THEM.
Crazies behave as if they have nothing to lose—including their job. And crazy people generally lack friends, so if you’re nice to them and take a few minutes to chat them up, they really appreciate it, meaning that if you happen to want breakfast for dinner, or ten pounds of ice on the weekend, or a box of cereal for finals week, they’ll hook you up. A normal person would never give away his employer’s property; it’s stealing. But a crazy person will.
In my 4 year stint in college, the dining hall wackos I befriended gave me and a select few of my friends the following:
- 20 pounds of ice every weekend, 40 weekends a year, for four years. 20 pounds of ice is about $4. Total economic value: $640.
- 3 lemons/limes every weekend, 40 weekends a year, for four years. 3 lemons/limes cost about $1. Total economic value: $160.
- Industrial size bag of breakfast cereal (usually Frosted Mini Wheats), 10 weeks a year, for four years. I’m estimating that a massive bag of cereal costs about $15. Total economic value: $600.
- Ability to order breakfast for dinner. A couple nights a month for 36 months. Total economic value: priceless—there was no IHOP in town.
- Not having to get in the car and go to the grocery store/diner for these things. 40 weeks a year, for four years. Total economic value: priceless.
- “Today in plant biology …” OR
- “This one time in cell block D at San Quintin State Pen …”
Seriously, I can’t stress this enough, buddying up with the bonkers cafeteria worker is the smartest thing you could ever do.
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