Brian is Perry’s brother in law. He’s an extremely together guy—he’s happily married, has a great job, wears a suit to work, and is totally responsible. Well, responsible most of the time. Occasionally he acts irresponsibly. These times are when Normal Brian vanishes and College Brian appears to college it out to the max.
When Normal Brian’s wife was forced to work late on any random Thursday or Friday, Normal Brian would disappear and College Brian would pay Perry and me a visit. This became a bi-semester tradition.
Perry would get a phone call, “Yo dude, it’s College Brian. I’m coming down, I’m on the road right now, prepare yourself.”
Thirty minutes later College Brian would burst through the door with a shit-eating grin on his face and case of Bud Light in his hand. From there, he’d request that the beirut table be assembled. When the game started he’d take a few practice shots, then proceed to completely destroy any hack that dared challenge him at Beirut. It was like watching Michael Jordan against a division 3 college bench warmer. He’d reign supreme—no competition, while requesting gangster rap songs and shit talking the whole game through.
After he’d put all challengers to shame on the Beirut table, he’d request the bb gun be brought. From then on he'd sit at one side of the room and blow holes in his empty Bud’s which he'd expertly placed at the other side of the room. This amused him greatly. Then, suddenly, his phone would ring, the room would go dead silent, and we’d all listen intently to his end of the conversation:
“Hi honey—yes—yes—just visiting Perry and his friends—yes, its lovely, they are well—yes, ok—Ben and Jerry Phish food ice cream?—No problem—ok—love you too.”
His whole aura would suddenly change, like a werewolf metamorphosing back into a respectable business man. Normal Brian was back. “Gentlemen, until next time,” he’d say as he exited the room, heading back home to Normal Brian land.
College Brian is a legend, and his legend will live on. But now that he has a newborn, I’m sure that College Brian will make far fewer appearances. In his stead we have Father Brian, an even more together version of Normal Brian. I am very proud of Father Brian and know he is here to stay forever (the kid isn’t going anywhere soon), but if College Brian does come back, rises from the ashes to create a College/Father Brian hybrid in order to college it out one more time, here is my advice to him and any college dude that fathers a child:
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