Broken English/Kumar's Greatest Hits

My friend Kumar moved to America when he was a senior in high school.  Prior to that he'd lived in Khatmandu, Nepal, and even before that he'd lived in a remote Nepalese village that was accessible only by taking a two day Yak trek.  Soon after he graduated from high school in the United States, he enrolled in college with us.

Perry describes him as one of those "for a cup of coffee a day you can save this child" kids you see on PBS, only he happened to make it to America and did quite well for himself once he got here.

Kumar is dark skinned, small, and skeletal—he looks a lot like the Vietnamese Communist revolutionary Ho Chi Minh, except with long, black, Kurt Cobainesque hair.  His speech in English comes out in heavily accented machine gun blasts.  To put it euphemistically, there is a language barrier.  Euphemism aside, when I first met the kid I couldn't understand a word he was saying.

The best thing about Kumar though, is when he can’t think of the right English word, he gets frustrated and starts firing out mixed bursts of random and profane English words.  An even better thing about Kumar, is that when he gets frustrated at a person, he fires out the same bursts of random, violent profanity in the form of insults.  He's figured out that if he just takes two words that he knows have a negative and insulting connotation and mixes them, he'll do just fine at assaulting your character, and maybe even make you cry.  And, oh, he does.  Here is Kumar at his best:

• You insane homo.
• You fu**ing piece of character.
• You fu**ing horny ass.
• You old gay.
• You horny jackass.
• You shit failure.
• You loser damn.
• You fu**ing horse shit baby.
• You fu**ing whore ass.
• You bastard pimp.
• You horny moron.
• You old horny retard.
• You sickly shit.

As you would expect, Kumar never loses an argument.  His insults act like a tazer, rendering their victim completely stunned and debilitated for the rest of the night.  How do you recover from insults like that?  The answer is, you don't.