Parents Don't Need to Know

Your parents are usually going to assume that you are spending your time drinking on the weekend.  And rightly so—it’s college.  What the hell else are you supposed to do? 

But when your parents call you on Saturday morning—praying that you are alive or that the voice that picks up your phone won’t say “hello, Clark count Jail”—there is a strict protocol that I HIGHLY recommend you follow so that your parents don’t know you’re partying on the weekends:

1.     Usually the first thing that a suspecting parent will ask is, “hey how are you?”  ALWAYS THINK ABOUT THE TONE OF YOUR VOICE BEFORE YOU ANSWER THIS QUESTION.  Is it raspy?  Does it sound like the lead singer of AC/DC?  Change that.  Always answer with “good.”  But don’t make it a deathed out, I just smoked a whole pack of cigarettes and my head feels like it’s going to explode “good.”  It should be a “GOOOD!” that would win you the Miss Congeniality award in a beauty pageant.  This will throw the parents a curve ball, and they will become disoriented.  

2.     While they are disoriented, make the first strike.  Remember, they called you to interrogate you about how hard you’d partied the night before.  Don’t stand for it, you’ve got to hit them hard and you’ve got to hit them heavy.  Take control of the conversation—you’re driving this damn bus.  Ask them something completely random that will buy you ample time, such as, “hey how’s Aunt Mabel down in Reno doing?”  Not only will they have to tell you how Aunt Mabel is doing, they will also be pleasantly surprised that you give a shit about Aunt Mabel (which you may or may not).

3.     While they are rambling off about Aunt Mabel, have your roommate—and I can’t count how many times I had Perry do this for me—go onto your college’s website and bring up the event calendar.  Have him or her write down a few school-sponsored events that happened the night before.  Only then will you be ready for the question that your parents really called to ask.

4.     So when the question comes—“so junior, what’d you do last night”—never, absolutely never under no condition, say, “oh not much, just hung out.”  Your parents went to college too, and when they “didn’t do much, just hung out” they drank a twelve pack and conceived you.  Saying, “not much, just hung out,” is like saying “oh, just drank more beers than I can count on one hand.  Oh, and by the way, I’m going to fail out this semester, I hope you didn’t give the X-box to that neighbor kid.”

5.     This is where the school-sponsored events that you had your roommate write down come in handy.  When the question comes—“so what’d you do last night, Junior?”—look down at the paper he or she has so delicately prepared for you.  Then hit you parents with a Mack God Damned Truck—“Oh just went to the East Indian Dance concert at the arts center.  It was hosted by the Indian club, and they had SUCH wonderful Naan.  Not to mention, the five-dollar cover charge went to help orphans in New Dehli.  It was an amazing time.” 

6.     That’s all you need to say.  The interrogation is over—game, set, and match, you.  And not only will your parents be relieved because they think you weren’t at a party, they will be proud that you took part in all the wonderful cultural opportunities that college has to offer.  

7.     Also, if they suspect bullshit, they can look it up on the calendar.  Evidence baby—“if the glove does not fit, you must acquit.”