Wine Perry

There is one thing that Perry should never have, and that's wine. Ninety-nine percent of the time he acts like a gentleman--someone you could bring home to your parents. But there is always that lingering threat that he could delve into his ungentlemanly persona that we've come to know as "Wine Perry."

Giving Perry wine is like giving a dog chocolate--his body doesn't process it correctly and he begins to act wildly, even savagely. It seems to me that Perry has some broken chromosome in his DNA sequence that when inundated with wine, totally warps his personality into a silly, twisted mess.  And it is hilarious.

One glass turns into two turns into seven. His teeth become scarlet, and his smile became looser and more frequent. When I lived with him, the night's that he'd haphazardly chosen to drink wine would start something like this.

7:00: bottle of wine opened, I'd say "dear god" and recite Psalm 116:15, just in case the night got out of hand.
7:05: Perry never drank wine without a ridiculous spread of cheese, crackers, and cured meats--he'd assemble the spread while sipping his wine.  I'd usually go to my computer to do some homework while Perry would continue to wine himself.  Every now and then I'd hear the telltale grgrgrgrgr of wine being emptied into a glass.
8:20:  While sitting at my computer I'd hear a strange and delirious "Uuuuuttttaaaaahhhhh," and I would instantly know that Perry had turned into Wine Perry.  The night would devolve from there.

Now, anything was on the table.  There were, however, certain things that would inevitably occur when Wine Perry made an appearance:

• He would take off his pants.  Not in a sexual way, it just seemed to be a characteristic of Wine Perry.  In the same way that a normal person doesn't wear a down coat in summer, Wine Perry didn't wear pants, opting for boxer shorts instead.
• Any girl that walked past the room would have "hey floozie," yelled at them.  They wouldn't get mad though, they'd just poke their head in the room, notice that Perry was pantsless and had bright red teeth, and let out a little giggle.  They knew what was up.
• He would slur insults at everyone.  But the insults weren't meant to be mean or to criticize whoever they were directed at, they were meant to be hilarious.  And they were--"Hey you! You're like a grass stain on a pant leg."  "You are like a person who forgot to do something important."  "Hey you, I bet you make out with people."  "You remind me of a farmer with no real plow experience to speak of." "Your stature is that of a goat."
• He would get dangerous.  He didn't mean to do this, but when he decided it was time for more cheese after his 6th wine, that knife became a ticking time bomb.  He'd wave it around, demanding more cheese while cursing the bastard who had eaten his last cracker.  Eventually we'd talk him down, he'd put away the knife, and he'd resort to gnawing on block of cheese.
• He'd visit everyone in the dorm building.  He'd strut in, pantsless, glass of wine in hand,  while chomping crackers with red teeth.  Then he'd go sit on the persons bed and proceed to chat their ear off.  Usually with ridiculous nonsense.  "So, you know, Amanda, I've been considering opening up a radish farm.  But it wouldn't really be a radish farm, per se, it would more likely function as a clown training area.  Ya, a clown training ground of the highest caliber.  Similar to how the Taliban trains terrorists in those camps in the sand-laden countries, except instead of terrorists, I'd train clowns at my radish farm.  What do you think?"  Eventually people began to lock their doors when word got around that Wine Perry might make an appearance that night.

Those are just a few standards, but there are so, so many more.  Wine doesn't so much put Perry in a state of drunkenness, as it does put him in a state of sillyness.  And he knew it.  He still uses Wine Perry to instill fear in people's hearts when he doesn't want to do something.  "I don't want to go to that party.  If you take me to that party I'm going to drink wine and you'll have to go with Wine Perry."  Which, actually, has grown to be fine with me.  Who needs to pay big bucks for entertainment when you can just buy Perry a bottle of wine?