Kumar's Greatest Hits II/I Kill Tuna

I met Kumar in the dining hall during the first few weeks of school.  You'll remember him from this post.  He was sitting with some people I knew, so some friends and I sat down with them.  He didn't say much at first, but after a few minutes in silence he blurted out "that damn tuna keep me up all night."  "Um pardon me?," I responded.

From there he started to rant in broken English.  "That damn tuna of Tom keep me up all night.  It in cage.  Banging on cage ... SOOOO loud, I can't sleep because of damn tuna.  I think I might kill tuna."  I ran this scenario through my head: Kumar's roommate Tom has a tuna.  It's in a cage.  It bangs on its cage at night which keeps Kumar awake. Tuna fish are about 6 feet long and can be hundreds of pounds.  This seemed odd, to say the least.

Me: you have a tuna in your room?
Kumar: yes.  The bastard keep me up all night.
Me: so the cage must be pretty big?
Kumar: ya cage is big.

Now, I've heard of weird pasttimes--a kid I'd met that day was an amazing accordion player, and colleges love admitting kids based on strange hobbies--but having a tuna fish as a pet seemed far fetched.

Kumar: ya I want to kill but I think Tom gets mad if I do.
Me: well what would you do with it after you killed it?
Kumar:  I just need sleep.  Maybe throw it out window and bird will eat.
Me: would a tuna fit through a window?
Kumar: ya, tuna will fit.
Me: wait, how big is the tuna?
Kumar: like one pound.
Me: wait, are we thinking of the same thing?  Is tuna a fish?
Kumar: what? No, it's a tuna.  It's like, in cage, small, has hair.
Me: ummmmmmm

This made Kumar very frustrated and he started to curse under his breath.

Kumar: it's a damn tuna alright?
Me: but you said it wasn't a fish.
Kumar: I know, it's a tuna.
Me: a tuna is a fish.
Kumar: no, you're wrong.  Wait, let me ask Tom.  Tom we have a tuna in our room, right?
Me: Tom do you have a tuna fish in your room?

Tom gave me a look that said he repairs Kumar's broken english three or four times a day.

Tom: We have a hamster, it's name is Tuna.
Kumar: OH YA! GOD DAMN HAMSTER.  I WANT TO KILL HAMSTER!