What is Sports?

Perry doesn't know anything about sports. Well, that's not entirely true. He doesn't know anything about mainstream sports--basketball, baseball, football, hockey, soccer, etc... The sports that pretty much every American knows at least something about, he knows nothing about.

As a kid he randomly decided to become an expert in three sports and focus his attention entirely on them: sailing, karate, and skiing.  The kid can out sail, out karate chop, and out ski anyone.  Which is very awesome.  Unfortunately those sports are very niche sports, and they don't get broadcasted on TV all too often.  You don't see people hanging out in bars or dorm rooms, huddled around the TV watching The Karate Kid, I don't think I've ever even seen sailing on TV, and knowledge of skiing only comes in handy every four years, during the Winter Olympics.  People--especially guys--watch mainstream sports together to bond and chit chat about certain players, good plays, etc...  Perry couldn't do this, but he would sure try.  His typical game-time commentary went something like this:

Basketball while watching the Utah Jazz play the Phoenix Suns.  The score ticker lists Jazz: 40, Suns: 35.
Perry: Yo dude, I thought you wanted to watch the Utah game.  What's this Jazzy Sun shit?
Me: This is the Utah game.  Their name is the Utah Jazz.
Perry: Ohhhhh ok.  I've been confused for the last half hours, since you kept saying things about Utah.  I'll remember to write that down.

Baseball
Perry: So this is the one where the guy on the hill throws the ball at the guy with the stick and the guy with the stick tries to bash it back into the guy on the hill's face?


Football
Perry:  This is sport dumb.  If I wanted to see a bunch of dudes beat the shit out of each other I'd just watch my karate videos.  Plus, martial artists don't wear pads.  These guys are pad and helmet wearing pussies.

Basketball after being explained how the game is played.
Perry: Ohhhhh ok ok, I see.  So it's basically a lot like quidich in Harry Potter, except these are grown men, there's no flying, and no brooms ... gotcha.

 Hockey
Perry: Is this the one where they fight?  When will they fight?  I want to see them fight.  Wait, why am I waiting for them to fight when I could just watch my kung-fu DVDs?  I'm going to go watch my kung-fu DVDs. 

Baseball:
Perry: Dude, if I was one of these players, I'd just take a bunch of steroids so I could hit the shit out of the ball.
Me: Ya man, good idea.  Lot's of them do that, or did that, and got tons of homeruns.
Perry: OK, this sport isn't so bad.

Soccer:
Perry: This sport would be so much sweeter if they combined it with bull fighting.  Like, why don't they throw like 6 bulls onto the playing field and paint the ball red.  Now THAT would be a sport.